A Place For Me
by NoirWings
Summary: A followup for A Place For My Head, which should be read first. Jack's journey after Daniel is gone, blaming himself for it. CURRENTLY BEING REVISED, RETURN SOON!
1. Default Chapter

I hold back tears in a vain attempt not to cry as Daniel is lowered into the ground next to Charlie's grave.

God, I feel so guilty. Daniel killed himself because of me. That's why I handed my resignation into Hammond yesterday.

Glancing beside me, I see Janet and Carter hug each other, each crying. Teal'c places a hand on each of their shoulders.

This is a small funeral, only Carter, Janet, Teal'c, myself and General Hammond.

The General stands across from me. His eyes are full of tears he refuses to let fall, just like me.

Suddenly, I can't take it anymore, so I turn on my heel and walk to a small secluded spot, the same spot I sat after they buried Charlie.

It's my fault he's gone.

I thought I had read him right. I was sure he didn't feel the same way I felt about him.

God, I was so wrong.

-

_Crawling in my skin_

_These wounds they will not heal_

_Fear is how I fall_

_Confusing what is real_

-

I didn't understand it, really, I thought that was all he wanted, I honestly didn't know he wan...

Who the fuck am I kidding?

I knew and I ignored it because I was too damn scared.

And now its too fucking late.

-

_There's something inside me _

_That pulls beneath the surface_

_Consuming_

_Confusing_

_This lack of self control I fear is_

_Never ending_

_Controlling_

-

I get up and lean against the tree, watching Teal'c, Carter, Janet and Hammond.

In two days, there will be a memorial service for Daniel at the SGC for the rest of the damned mountain.

And why not? He was the best linguist/archeologist/anthropologist the SGC had. Nobody can replace him.

Nobody.

As I watch, Teal'c nods to Hammond as he leads the two women towards their car. I know they will spend all night consoling each other.

I sit back down, my legs suddenly numb. Hammond walks over to where I am.

I don't look at him as he sits next to me.

"It wasn't your fault, Jack." He says. I hold back a snort of laughter as I pick at the grass beside me.

Hammond can say what he wants, but he doesn't know the truth.

He doesn't know the real reason Daniel committed suicide.

"It was my fault, sir." I say, still picking at the grass.

"What do you mean?' Hammond asks gently. I know he doesn't believe me.

"Daniel killed himself because I couldn't bring myself to admit I love him.

"That, General Hammond, is why you need to accept my resignation?"

"Jack, there was nothing to prove that Dr. Jackson killed himself be..." He doesn't finish his sentence as I shove the worn, folded letter from Daniel into his hands.

I feel tears run down my face as he reads it.

-

_I can't seem _

_To find myself again_

_My walls are closing in_

_Without a sense of confidence_

_And I'm convinced _

_That there's too much pressure to take_

_I've felt this way before_

_So Insecure_

-

When he finishes, Hammond folds the letter again and sits back.

"I see." Is all he says.

"General, you have to accept my resignation." I plead quietly.

"No, Jack. I want you to take some time off and think it over, okay."

"Yes, sir." I mumble.

"As of now, you are on leave, Jack I suggest you go somewhere you can think."

"Yes, sir." My voice sounds dead even to me. I don't look at him.

"He wouldn't want you to hurt yourself, Jack, no matter what this letter implies, no matter what you think." Hammond speaks as though he knows something I don't. I lift my head to look at him. He smiles sadly at me and hands me the letter before getting up and leaving.

I remain there and stare at the folded piece of paper that is Daniel's suicide letter.

I know where I'll go.

-

_Discomfort_

_Endless has pulled itself upon me_

_Distracting_

_Reacting_

_Against my will_

_I stand beside my own reflection_

_It's haunting how I can't seem_

_To find myself again_


	2. Breaking The Habit

**Breaking The Habit**

-

Memories consume

Like opening the wound

I'm picking me apart again

-

It almost seems pointless to keep thinking about this. I already know the truth. My fault or not, Daniel is dead. Nothing can change that.

Daniel taught me a lot and he saved my life more than once.

God, he didn't even know me on that first mission to Abydos and he still took that staff blast for me.

No matter how much I wanted to die, he wouldn't let me. He kept trying to convince me that it wasn't the answer.

But now he's not here to say that and the way he died was kinda contrary to his belief.

Who am I to judge him, though? Whether or not his last act was hypocritical or not, he was a better man than I was.

-

You all assume

I'm safe here in my room

Unless I try to start again

-

Sighing, I pull out yet another beer and walk out to the deck.

I stand there, leaning against the rail, just staring at the lake and woods surrounding my Minnesota cabin.

The General granted me leave. He wanted me to think about my decision to resign.

I think he's hoping I'll come back having changed my mind.

All I can say is he'll be very disappointed.

Daniel was probably my only reason for staying at the SGC this long, and after I screwed up so royally that he killed himself, I don't think I belong there anymore

-

I don't want to be the one

The battles always choose

Cause inside I realize

That I'm the one confused

I don't know what's worth fighting for

Or why I have to scream

I don't know why I instigate

To say what I don't mean

I don't know how I got this way

I know it's not alright

-

Daniel always thought I was smarter than I let on. I guess now, he knows how dumb I truly am.

God, if I had just confessed my love to him it wouldn't be like this, but I didn't, so it is.

I won't lie; I miss him, so fucking much. As sappy as it sounds, he was my all, my everything.

My Prince Charming, if ya wanna go that far.

And I couldn't tell him.

-

So I'm

Breaking the habit

Tonight

-

I finish my beer and push off the railing.

When I turn around, I'm surprised to see...

Daniel?

-

Clutching my cure

I tightly lock the door

I try to catch by breath again

I hurt much more

Than any time before

I have no options left again

-

"Daniel?" I ask, surprise clear in my voice.

'Daniel' nods and it almost looks like he's glowing, like he's only half here.

"There's not much time, Jack. I don't have long."

"Why are you here?" I ask, reaching out, and then pulling back. He smiles.

"The General is right, Jack, I don't want you to hurt yourself. No matter what you think right now, I don't.

"I've been watching you, Jack. I know now that you do love me, I know that you were scared. And I forgive you.

"I know it seems like I should regret this, Jack, but I don't. I'm happy here." He starts to fade. "Soon, my love, soon." He gets fainter. I reach out, tears running down my face,

"Don't leave!" I yell.

"Soon." Is the only response I get before he's gone.

-

I'll paint it on the walls

Cause I'm the one at fault

I'll never fight again

And this is how it ends

-

I open my eyes and see a dark sky littered with stars.

It was all a dream.

I sit there, just staring up the dark sky.

Daniel was somewhere up there, watching me.

A smile breaks across my face.

I can allow myself to believe that my dream Daniel really does forgive me.

But he also said 'soon'.

What did that mean?

Probably something cliché, like we'd be together soon, but I will not get my hopes us.

Grinning, I get up and go to bed.

I know it will be alright.

After all, Daniel forgave me.

-

I'm breaking the habit

Tonight.

-


End file.
